Published inHuman Parts·PinnedMember-onlyAshes, Ashes EverywhereOn losing, and finding, my son — The first days after my son’s suicide were punctuated with question marks. Words uttered in library whispers by well-meaning relatives or friends hinted at the questions that always swirl around suicide. None of them were answerable, except to say that my son was fiercely private about his inner struggles. …Grief6 min readGrief6 min read
Published inHuman Parts·Aug 2, 2022Member-onlyLosing His Necklace Feels Like Losing My Son All Over AgainI lost my son to suicide. Now I’ve lost the necklace I got to remember him. — After an unseasonably gray start of summer in the Pacific Northwest, a glorious stretch of sunshine and bluebird skies promised blooming wildflowers, pristine mountain lakes, and expansive views: perfect weather for hiking. My dusty, trail-worn, teal-colored summer daypack waited by the garage door, a faithful partner ready for the next…Grief6 min readGrief6 min read
Published inThe Memoirist·Jul 31, 2022Member-onlyI Bought a $300 Plane Ticket for a CatOur cats are a drain on our finances, but I love them anyway. — We have three cats. Freckles, Scratchy, and Oliver Twit, ages 18, 15, and 4. The dynamic trio. Two old ladies and a psycho-kitty. (An aside to those who think three cats is three too many: we once had SEVEN of them. …Cats6 min readCats6 min read
Published inILLUMINATION·Apr 15, 2021Member-onlyMy Friend Helped Me Survive the Death of My Son; Then She Died Too“After someone dies” doesn’t mean “completely absent from your life.” — There is no manual for how to grieve the loss of a loved one. There are no words; there is no fixing it. We can’t wish it away or explain the loss adequately, no matter how hard we try. Grief must simply be endured. All we can do is figure…Grief And Loss6 min readGrief And Loss6 min read
Nov 29, 2020Member-onlyThe Futility — and Hope — of Magical ThinkingCanceling the holidays is an act of hope, not fear. — I canceled my family’s Thanksgiving and Christmas. Most people I know talk about 2020 as having an almost mystical power of wrongness to it. Something terrible happens, and people immediately comment “That’s so 2020,” as if the year itself is somehow trying to ruin all our lives. It doesn’t seem…Family8 min readFamily8 min read
Sep 20, 2020Member-onlyLeave the House; Keep the MemoriesDo houses remember us after we move out of them? — Driving past a For Sale sign in a yard, I sometimes wonder if the house cares about the sale. I imagine it waiting with hopeful anticipation, dreaming of new occupants filling it with their furniture, pets, and children. …Home9 min readHome9 min read
May 2, 2020Member-onlyDon’t Remember How They Died; Remember How They Lived“How did they die?” It’s a natural question that we ask or think about reflexively when we hear about an unexpected death. It’s the question I asked in utter anguish the night my son died, suddenly, July 27, 2019. I’ve spent the better part of the last 9 months focusing…Grief19 min readGrief19 min read
Apr 23, 2020Member-onlyWe’re All Sailors on the Sea of Grief2019 will go down in my personal history book as arguably the Worst Year of My Life. We lost our son Ben, age 23, to suicide, on July 27th. …Grief And Loss9 min readGrief And Loss9 min read
Mar 20, 2020Member-onlyI Lost My Son; I Wanted My GrandmotherWhen we lose someone important to us, time and distance have their way of scabbing over the gaping wound of grief and making it less raw. Still, the emptiness and longing never go away. …Grief And Loss6 min readGrief And Loss6 min read
Published inHuman Parts·Jan 1, 2020Member-onlyMy Son Died by Suicide, and I Don’t Know WhyDon’t focus on ‘why.’ Focus on why he didn’t ask for help. — July 27, 2019, began as an unremarkable summer day. It was a day for visiting with my mother and doing some chores around her house, a day for walking her dogs, a day for idle conversation and shopping for my youngest son’s freshman dorm room. It was a late afternoon…Mental Health10 min readMental Health10 min read
